Ego...Friend or Foe?

My, oh, my can my ego get in the way of things.  Now, I realize that is quite an opening statement that can give a very different perception of myself than the one many of you may have and find contradictory of your experience of who I am.  So let me define "ego" in the context that I use it here.  I find Robert Ohotto's definition and discussion of the ego in his book to be so very true and telling of our actions and yet so very separate from most of society's usual definitions.In his book, Transforming Fate into Destiny A New Dialogue with Your Soul, Ohotto defines "the ego as the largely conscious part of your personality that's derived from interfacing with the environment around you and that acts to preserve your self-concept and self-esteem as they're formed by that environment."  He goes on to write, "When we begin to believe that we're separate from others, the Divine, and our own soul, the ego is hijacked by the illusion that true power emanates from this manifest world, rather than the soul.  The ego then asserts an agenda based on survival fear and self-esteem..."It is this latter statement, "The ego then asserts an agenda based on survival fear and self-esteem..." that describes what I believe to be the root of my struggles  all too often.   I see the "survival fear" from the abuse at a very young age playing a role in my actions due to the intense fear instilled in me from "interfacing with the environment around me."  Thus, my decision making can be greatly impacted by the ego and the definition I possess of my inner self based on experiences with the "outer" world.A perfect example of such a "hijacking" (as Ohotto calls it) from my ego was on the late return home from a birthday party for my nephew.  Having to be up early the next morning and already being a late hour, I wanted to be in bed within a short period of time.  With my mind preoccupied, I raced up the stairs to the bedroom and it wasn't until I stood outside its door that I realized I'd forgotten to hit the switch located at the bottom of the stairs for the hall light.  I stood in darkness at the entrance to my bedroom knowing I'd need to enter the dark room and walk around the bed before I could get to a light.  I was paralyzed with fear.  "You never know where I'll be.  You might walk into a dark room and I'll be there..." The words the perpetrator uttered to me (here's an example of "interfacing with the environment")  so many years ago were allowed to take center stage at that moment by the "survival fear" of my ego.  Yet, try as I may, no amount of self talk and reasoning could be successful in getting myself to walk through that door and brave the dark room even knowing full well (on some level) that I would be safe.  My ego had won this time.  When I'd taken the pressure off  and allowed myself another option, the fear subsided and I was able to  simply reach over for the hall light switch at the top of the stairs just at arm's length from where I was standing (information that only moment's ago in my survival fear state my mind was unable to access despite having lived in the house 18 years and knowing full well that switch was there).Was this situation I speak about in this blog considered to be a failure on my part?  Not at all.  It was an experience that brought about a great deal of awareness.  It was a guide to where I needed to put forth more effort in my quest for overall well being.  Will there ever be a day that I can walk into a dark room without survival fear playing a role?  I'm not sure.  What I am sure about, however, is that through awareness I've been successful in many other instances of altering my actions enabling me to keep my ego in check versus the ego controlling me.  Here's to growth however small the step may appear!